How to Cope with Going No Contact During The Holidays: 10 Effective Ways

Our Experience

Adam and I have had no contact with our parents for over a year. It was one of the hardest things we had to do and the most necessary to protect ourselves and our kids. In the end, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse is never okay and we’ve experienced them all. Going no contact means cutting off all communications to separate from people you once loved but can’t be around. We know what it’s like to go no contact during the holidays and we want to offer what has helped us.

We used to be part of big gatherings during the holidays and we were booked most weekends. Somehow being part of something (even if toxic and stressful) felt better than nothing at all. Or at least that’s what we thought going into our first year of no contact.

Now that we are on the other side of that year, we can tell you that the dread of the holidays turned into relief. We did not have to be guilted and shamed for sharing holidays, giving gifts that were never enough, or dealing with aggression for not doing exactly what our families wanted. We could just be.  Let us help you find your way.

10 ways to cope with no contact during the holidays

1. Spend time with chosen family and friends

These people value you for who you are and share mutual love and support with you.  Sometimes this might feel even better than being with your family of origin! When we told our chosen family we had to go no contact during the holidays, they were very supportive and respected our choices. They also welcomed us with open arms to their festivities. 

2. Create new traditions

Holidays are commercialized and cinematized as a family-centric experience. While it’s not wrong, it can put pressure on you to be surrounded by people and have plans. Why spend your time based on how everyone else does it though? Another way to put it is why sacrifice your peace to appease a toxic family during the holidays (or any relationship)? Pave the way for new traditions. When we begin to make things our own, we are in control. We made ourselves a Wellington (which felt celebratory), popped champagne, and baked. We watched our favorite movies with our kids. It was phenomenal and we didn’t have to run all over the place to please everyone!  

3. Travel

If you can afford to, find inspiration in the world around you. Whether it’s somewhere scenic or bustling with life, take this time to make memories, feel rejuvenated, and indulge in new experiences. According to Lee Health, traveling can help you relax, lift your mood, and lower the risk of depression.

4. Get moving and get centered

I will be the first to admit I am no gym buff but there is something to be said about getting your body moving. It’s even better if you do it outdoors. Release feel good chemicals and interrupt any ruminations you might have. Go for a hike or walk and breathe in deep. Try to keep your phone off. Notice what feels good – the sun on your skin, the beautiful nature around you, that cute dog.  Mindfulness helps us to be less reactive to our experiences, according HelpGuide.org. 

5. Block the contact you have separated from

Even if it’s just for a day. For some, drama and chaos can not only be normal but also addicting. Give yourself back the power and just tune out. We can’t tell you the number of threats and shaming messages we received when we went no contact during the holidays. It reinforced our choices but of course, it didn’t feel good at the time. Just tell yourself you need the day, week month, or however long. You’re allowed and it’s okay! 

6. Do your favorite things and practice self-care

Self-care isn’t just about pampering. Saying no to things that are harmful to you and practicing setting boundaries is self-care too. Going back to the things that make us feel more in tune with ourselves gives us back pieces of ourselves. It reminds us of an identity that we crafted and not what people have told us we are. You are a worthy soul deserving of a better, more joyful life. What happened to you is not your fault and you’re doing the best that you can. 

7. Practice gratitude

We’ll be open about the fact that we’ve experienced times when gratitude goes right out the window. We can see the benefits of it though. Gratitude reminds us of what we do have versus what we don’t. If you go no contact during the holidays and you have peace of mind that you’re away from a toxic situation, then that’s a beautiful thing to be grateful for. 

8. Join a Support group, community, or forum 

When you read more, you might find that you’re not the only one who has dealt with your situation. In our experience, this is what helped us take the steps we did to protect ourselves. We suddenly had a name for what we were experiencing with our parents. Over time we hope Relatable Ladle can provide a safe place for you to feel less alone and more empowered. 

9. Volunteer

There is power in giving back not just to others but to yourself as well. Volunteering activates the reward centers in our brains and releases those feel-good chemicals. It can be a way to socialize, distract from negative thoughts, and provide purpose (AbleTo).

10. Feel what you feel and know that it’s okay

It’s okay to be angry, sad, or upset about needing to go no contact during the holidays. It doesn’t make you a bad, weak, or broken person. Your feelings are trying to tell you something. When we continue to suppress them, we are holding onto the pain longer and our body works hard to compensate for that (as described by Time Magazine).

Conclusion

Feeling alone can be difficult, especially when you go no contact during the holidays with a toxic family or people you were once close with. Try to spend time with your chosen family, venture out for new experiences, create new traditions, or practice self-care. The holiday season can be whatever you want them to be. Know you’re not alone. 

Share your thoughts

Have you had to go no contact during the holidays with former loved ones? Drop us a comment below on what has worked for you!

If one of your favorite things is eating good food (ours is) and you want to try something new, check out our recipes!

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