Going no Contact Should Be a Last Resort
We prefer peace and trying to make a difficult situation work, but it depends on why and whether a solution is available to benefit both mutually. This is why we wanted to provide five methods to try before going no contact.
In our situation, our parents have cluster B personality disorders, which means they have a pattern of emotional volatility and inappropriate and unpredictable behavior. The methods below did not work for us because the dysfunctional dynamics will not go away unless everyone in the relationship gets treatment, and the low self-esteem and incapacity to set boundaries just allow the dysfunction to persist. We have a long way to go in our mental health journey and we could not focus on ourselves or protect our children with our parents continuing to behave the way they did. Check out our post here for more details.
It’s one thing to deal with unnecessary comments or an annoying event here and there, but if you are in an abusive relationship, it may be best to consider no contact. Just know that no contact is meant to be long-term. If you hope to be with family and repair the relationship, you will want to try the methods below instead.
5 Methods To Use First Before Going No Contact
1. Put distance Between You and the Other Party
Before we went no contact with our parents, we had time to see things from a distance because of the pandemic. The space gives you a chance to process your feelings and thoughts. Before the pandemic, we spent most of our time with Adam’s family (at least once a week, and they demanded more than that).
Adam was highly anxious during that time, and no wonder – he was constantly in a position of getting shamed and guilted. While we were in that routine, it was tough to see what was happening because each event brought on something more mind-boggling that kept us in a continuous state of confusion or guilt. The closer you are to that other counterpart, the more details they have access to, the more their opinions are heard, and the more they get to see what is or isn’t working in their attempts to control.
2. Set Boundaries and Do Not Budge
If parents disrespect boundaries in childhood, they will likely do so in adulthood, especially if they can’t see you as an individual. They may always see you as a child, someone to control or someone they are entitled to do whatever they want with. Setting strong boundaries lets them know, they cannot do that. An example would be if they show up unannounced, then they will have to leave immediately. You will notice a lack of emotional maturity and self-awareness when dealing with toxic parties so you must be firm (Psychology Today). If you budge on your boundaries, you will have taught the other person that they can bulldoze right past.
3. Say “No” More Often (In a Respectful Way)
This will help to reinforce the boundaries that you set. The more often you do it, the more comfortable you will be saying it. Saying no is an act of self-care and will help you build your self-esteem (Psychology Today), which is what you will need to stand up against toxic family members. We recommend doing this as respectfully as possible because you never know what can get thrown back at you to make you look like the emotionally immature person.
4. Scale Back Your Availability
If you always pick up the phone, attend their events, or jump at their demands, then family members (or anyone) will expect you to comply all of the time. They will know that in the end, you will do as they say. By limiting your time, you are setting a boundary and showing them that they cannot just demand whatever and whenever from you. Just be prepared for the reactions you might receive when you start to do it. Remind yourself why this must be done and keep it from stealing too much of your energy. In the end, this is what keeps both of you in the picture, regardless of whether one party doesn’t like it.
5. Don’t Engage When They Push Your Buttons Or Seek Out Information
Our parents often smirked when they knew they got to us, which was very frustrating. Pushing your buttons or getting more details is a way for them to know they’ve still got control and do what they want. There is a method called gray rocking, but it’s challenging to maintain.
You have to be as uninteresting and minimal in responses as possible. This is to get the other person to lose interest and will supposedly reduce abuse (Psych Central). We tried this and we found it exhausting because our parents would somehow turn our bland responses against us relentlessly. If you’re a patient person or you have no other choice but to engage with the other person, then try this method before going no contact.
Conclusion
Going no contact can feel lonely and isolating, especially once the drama around your decision initially unfolds. There will be a lot of confusion among people who could never imagine going no contact or who consider toxic behaviors normal. In our situation, staying in the relationship proved to do more harm than good. Your situation can be manageable if you employ methods like scaling back your availability or setting boundaries before going no contact. Remember, you are trying these to preserve some sort of relationship so even if it’s uncomfortable at first, it’s worth trying. Good luck!
Share Your Thoughts
What methods worked for you to avoid going no contact? Drop us a comment below! If you need something light to focus on, check out our recipes!
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