Asking and Giving Advice

Not all advice is created equal, and filtering the feedback you receive is essential. Your family, friends, and loved ones may have the best intentions, but there is more than we think that goes into solid advice. 

For example, if you’re dealing with trauma, someone who has not experienced it may struggle to provide meaningful guidance. Similarly,  if you’re neurodiverse, a neurotypical person may not fully grasp the daily challenges you face. The counsel you receive may be unrealistic or simplistic. 

Societal norms can inadvertently normalize poor advice. You may have heard phrases like “That’s just how it’s done” and “Don’t fix what isn’t broken.” However, it’s important to remember that past generations who used these phrases may not have had the psychological insights we have today, which continuously evolve. 

Nobody has a manual on life. So, how do you know if the advice you receive is right for you? Find out what shapes advice, how to filter it, and how to offer sound guidance yourself. 

Why Do We ask and give Advice?

Connection is fundamental to our human needs, and seeking advice is one powerful way to reinforce our bond with others. It’s counsel in troubled times, affirming trust in our relationships. Sometimes, we need guidance on our personal experiences or issues, and other times, we need validation for our decisions. As the giver, it can make us feel more connected with the person who needs the advice and even influential (Psychology Today).

Why We Need to Be Skeptical

Even when well-intentioned, suggestions can be skewed by the giver and receiver. You may have encountered advice that left you feeling hurt or confused or didn’t resonate with you. It’s essential to assess the advice you receive. Here’s what to consider: 

1. Subjectivity of Experience: Everyone has a unique lens through which they view the world, molded by personal experiences, upbringing, and cultural background. What works for one person might not work for another.
2. Complexity: Life doesn’t follow a linear path, making it difficult to have a one-size-fits-all approach to advice. Simplistic counsel may need to address the unique complexities of your situation. 
3. Lack of Complete Information: When we seek advice, many pieces of information and context from day-to-day life are usually missing. Without the whole picture, providing genuinely beneficial guidance is challenging. 
4. Individual Differences: We respond differently to challenges and opportunities based on our personalities, experiences, values, goals, and upbringing. A recommendation that may be great for a risk-taker may not be helpful to someone who isn’t. 
5. Personal Growth and Self-discovery: While opinions can be valuable, the best lessons often come from personal experience. Embracing self-reflection and personal growth can empower you to navigate advice effectively, promoting deeper learning and growth.
6. Cultural and Societal Influences: Different cultures have different norms and expectations, which can color the guidance given to others. However, societal values and standards evolve, affecting the applicability of what’s been offered as suggestions. 

How to Filter Advice

To make the best use of the direction you receive, it’s essential to apply a filter. Here are a few ways: 

1. Consider the Source

How experienced or knowledgeable is the person advising in the area they’re addressing? Is their counsel based on firsthand experience or a solid understanding of the topic? Consider the personal biases and motivations that might color the guidance offered.  While recommendations from someone who knows us well might feel more personal, it can also be based on that person’s projections or assumptions.

2. Alignment with Values and Goals

Does the advice align with your values?  It may make you uneasy if it doesn’t resonate with your core beliefs. Ensure the opinion aligns with your long-term or short-term goals. 

3. Contextual Fit

Is the guidance applicable to your current situation or better suited for a different time or circumstance?  Does it address the specifics of what you’re trying to address? General advice won’t always fit your unique situation. 

4. Check Your Emotional Response

How do you feel after hearing the suggestion? Feelings of resistance, fear, or discomfort may be a sign to dig deeper. Is your reaction because it challenges you in a good way or because it just doesn’t fit? Trust your intuition. 

5. Consider Practicality

Is the input realistic and actionable in your life? Some advice may sound wise in theory, but putting it into practice may strain your resources, time, or capabilities. Weigh the potential benefits against the risks or costs. 

6. Test It

Try implementing the guidance in small ways that don’t involve risk. Advice doesn’t have to be taken in whole or as-is. You can blend it with other approaches or modify it to fit your situation.

7. Reflection

Has similar or previous counsel worked well for you, or was it not helpful? Just like with medical evaluations, you can always ask for second opinions from other trusted individuals or mentors.

What Makes Advice Truly Good

Nobody can offer 100%  foolproof advice, but a good suggestion accomplishes several things. It can offer a fresh perspective, provide emotional support, and prompt self-reflection. Good recommendations combine effective communication, emotional intelligence, and active listening.

Here are a few things to consider: 

1. Empowerment: Good advice encourages introspection and action. It empowers you to make decisions that align with your values and goals. 
2. Active Listening:  Is the giver engaging fully with the speaker’s message and emotional undertones? 
3. Thoughtfulness: Good guidance is balanced with constructive criticism, respect, emotional support, and practicality. It is delivered with empathy and consideration of your specific needs. 
4. Respect for Boundaries: Was your autonomy respected? Asking permission to offer input is a sign of respect for your boundaries. 
5. Tone and Delivery:  Advice offered with respect and emotional intelligence will likely resonate more. Consider how the advice is communicated. 
6. Openness: Did you feel safe talking with this person, and was an exchange of ideas encouraged? Openness encourages trust and mutual respect. 

Conclusion

Advice can be a valuable part of human connection, but the expert on your life is you. At its best, suggestions should empower you to grow, reflect, and act in a way that aligns with your unique circumstances. By filtering advice through the lens of your values, goals, and intuition, you can make decisions that serve your journey. Ultimately, guidance can cultivate the wisdom to listen, filter, and trust yourself.

How Do you ask and give advice?

Please drop us a comment below. You might be interested in our article on C-PTSD and parenting with trauma.

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