A torrential storm of emotions can follow a breakup. It can leave you second-guessing what happened or what went wrong. Was it me? Was it my partner? Separation can teach many lessons in life about relationships but if you ignore this time to learn and seek immediate relief instead, you may be willing to do just about anything to restore the relationship. For this reason, many people employ the 30 day no contact rule. Does this rule work though? Not necessarily- it often leads to disappointment.
What is the 30 day No Contact Rule?
With this method, you cease all communication with your ex-partner for 30 days with the hope that absence will make their heart grow fonder. In that time, your ex should begin to miss you, which will eventually result in a reconciliation.
Sounds like a quick fix and the answer to your prayers, right? Let’s delve deeper into its implications and potential undesirable outcomes that are more likely to happen, especially with so much vulnerability on the line.
Misguided Hope
One of the main problems with this no contact rule for an ex lover is that it assumes that your ex will automatically miss you and come crawling back after a month of no contact. This is a gross oversimplification of the human emotional process and undermines the no contact rule psychology. Going no contact is meant to establish a boundary for yourself and your ex so that you can process loss and grief in a healthy way and move forward (Very Well Mind).
You may be giving your ex the exact opposite of what you want. A month of no contact may give them the time and space to move on. The idea that they would suddenly realize their mistake and come running back is unrealistic and can expose you to further heartbreak if things don’t work out as expected.
It Doesn’t Solve for Relationship Problems
Another shortcoming of the 30 day no contact rule is that it doesn’t address the main problem of why the breakup happened in the first place. If you or your ex experienced insecurity, lack of commitment, or other relationship problems, no contact won’t make these issues go away. That would most likely require therapy for an ever longer period of time to get to the root of why those issues surfaced.
The 30 days is actually an essential time to put personal growth and self-improvement first. Focus on what got you to this point in a constructive way. Self-reflection can foster personal growth, which is so beneficial and crucial to you living your life and enjoying it regardless of what happens with your ex.
Potential Misinterpretation
There’s a lot of room for misinterpretation during this time from your ex. Your silence may be seen as a sign of indifference or as validation for leaving the relationship (this may be intended by you but if not, watch out for this). This could potentially further the distance between both of you and complicate opportunities to reconcile.
Additionally, if your ex reaches out during this period and you lack emotional readiness, you might inadvertently convey neediness or desperation, potentially driving them away even more.
False Security
It’s a powerful feeling to hold the reins but with the 30 day no contact rule, this might be misleading for you. Just when you think you’re in charge and you commence a countdown to the return of your ex, you are hit with an emotional setback when he doesn’t act in the way you thought he would.
The 30 days to apply this rule is arbitrary and isn’t based on a solid foundation in psychology or relationship dynamics. It fails to consider the unique situations, emotional states, and personal growth rates of the individuals involved. You and your ex may need months or even years before you are ready for reentry into the relationship.
Unrealistic Expectations
It’s possible that your ex may give you a warm welcome, an apology, or an admission of missing you, but the harsh reality may be your ex will do none of these things or the opposite. You may also find that you’re right back in the crux of the issue that initiated the break up in the first place. This would result in additional pain and disappointment. Instead of using this method to get him back, use this to give yourself time back to focus on yourself.
The truth is the 30 day no contact rule is at most times ineffective. The chances that your ex made a hasty decision going into the breakup, that they authentically regret the decision, still have strong feelings for you and have improved themselves for the betterment of the relationship is low. When we say authentically here, we mean they miss you for who you are as a person rather than what you do for them in the relationship (i.e. keep them company, make them feel less alone, shoulder their burdens).
You might be wondering if the issue is related to the length of no contact or the method itself. That depends on each situation. It’s more likely your ex may need more than 30 days to process the breakup, experience life without you, and possibly even move on to other relationships before they make their way back to you again.
The Healthier Use of the No Contact Rule
It’s important to go into the no contact rule with a healthier objective and mindset. If you decide to implement the rule, view it as a means for personal healing and self-improvement, rather than a ploy to get your ex to come running back to you.
Think of what attracts you to someone or even to your ex. Is it the way they are naturally themselves around you or their confidence? In our opinion, there’s nothing sexier than someone who is working on themselves and owning who they are.
Don’t try to make something work when it’s not meant to for now or permanently. When we make sacrifices or choices at our expense, we tend to hold onto resentment or regret. For a more effective approach, continue no contact until you are fully healed. By doing it this way, you place your own needs first, foster personal growth, and set the pace for healing.
The Importance of Personal Growth
The best part of personal growth is that it is invaluable. As you go further into unleashing the full power of who you are, you might realize your identity and what you believe in is not contingent on anyone or anything. Rather than obsessing over how to make your ex miss you, redirect that energy towards working on yourself. It may resolve the issues that led to the end of your relationship and it will set you up for success in your future relationships.
Should your ex reach out, they will encounter a more self-assured and emotionally mature version of you. Wouldn’t that feel more powerful than clinging to an empty promise that he may or may not come back?
Conclusion
The 30 day no contact rule will not truly mend a broken relationship without inner work done by both parties in that time. In most cases, personal growth may take much longer to address. Instead of trying to win him back, win yourself over on what you need and save yourself disappointment and further heartbreak.
Remember, every relationship and breakup is different. Healing takes time, and there’s no one-size-fits-all timeline. Be patient with yourself and know that it’s okay to seek support when you need it.
Have you used the 30 day No Contact Rule?
Please drop us a comment below! If you’re wondering when should the no contact rule be used, check out our article here.
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