What Does Going No Contact with Parents Mean?
No contact means no form of communication with an individual. Going no contact is often associated with an ex-lover, but it doesn’t just apply to that. We may not hear about no contact with parents or families as much as lovers because society portrays the parental role as nurturing and self-sacrificing.
We’ve all heard things like “blood is thicker than water” or “family is everything.” This may be true and good for some, but it can mean a toxic situation for others. These same phrases can often be used to exert control, lessen autonomy, and shame family members, especially if used by someone who may not recognize unhealthy patterns of behavior or who has unresolved trauma.
This is what caused us to leave. Check out our article on the factors that lead us to going no contact. We also talk about the methods we’ve tried before pursuing no contact.
What You Need To Know About Going No Contact
Before we dive into what we’ve learned so far, we always recommend speaking with a professional to see if this is the right choice for you and how to safely disengage. We also recommend researching the topics mentioned here to see if going no contact with parents makes sense.
This is not a decision we made on a whim or a lesson we wanted to teach to our parents, and it’s also not a method we intend on breaking any time soon. This was our last resort to keep ourselves and our children safe.
We found it very helpful to set a no contact rule for a minimum of one year. Why? You need to go through all the seasons to get past the guilt (i.e., missing holidays, birthdays, milestones, illness).
You should also know that if you do decide to go back into your situation with your parents, the reactions you receive may be worse (a doubling-down effect) unless you’ve developed the skills to deal with them appropriately.
Remember that those parents would have had to undergo significant changes/treatment for repair. It may be fine for all 10 minutes of love bombing before those old tendencies rear their ugly heads. Most likely, they will think you are the problem. All of this may deter you if you’ve considered going no contact, but please read on. We promise it gets better.
5 Lessons After No Contact
The Guilt Will Be Strong At First But It Subsides
This is an extreme decision but sometimes that’s what the situation calls for. In our experience, we endured physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. Our autonomy in childhood through adulthood was non-existent in their eyes. If you ask them, well they had it worse and we should be grateful.
When we began to pull away, the emotional outbursts, aggressiveness, guilting, and shaming peaked. We were getting hurled threats and told how ungrateful and disgraceful we were. It became apparent that they did not want to have a conversation because what mattered most is if we understood their point and did what they wanted.
When dynamics like that become clear, you can feel less guilty about doing what’s best for you because this reinforces your decisions. In the end, they’re doing what they feel is best for them, too, right? Eventually, the guilt will subside (if you don’t budge).
Real Growth Can Now Begin
It seemed like our roles were to supply their needs and wants. Our time was meant to be spent doting on them or being their dumping grounds to make them feel better.
We were to report our every action; if we didn’t, we hid something. “You’ll put your mother in the hospital if you don’t do as she says.” Even if we knew otherwise, the behaviors of our parents and enabling family members were still difficult and punishing.
This came with a mental load that gave us anxiety and plenty to ruminate on. Their actions were confusing, and we walked away wondering if we were to blame for their reactions. Now, we can actually focus on ways we can improve ourselves (like managing complex PTSD, avoidance, and OCD).
We can work on our self-esteem and triggers with our therapists. We can even start to improve how we relate to our kids to break the generational trauma. We can observe our feelings without their judgment and grieve our losses (Very Well Mind). We could not do this and still actively engage in the relationship.
A Peace That’s Priceless
We enjoy our time together now because we no longer have to prove our loyalty or choose (it was either them or us and couldn’t be both). We don’t have to worry about the rage or emotional dysregulation we would often experience. Our time wasn’t hijacked. We could finally breathe and know that our kids were going to be for us to raise and not an extension of our parents like we were meant to be. Our stress levels have gone down significantly and so have the mental games to boot!
You Are Worthy
Ever had the constant messaging from your childhood into adult years about how you can never do or be enough? Somehow we were always failing at being their children (even as adults). We were their emotional punching bags and we were supposed to take on their burdens, shame, inner failings. And we were also supposed to be a reflection of them to validate all the good they did.
Honestly, all we wanted was just to be. And you know what? We are deserving and worthy of just being ourselves. We deserve our autonomy and independence. We deserve our happiness, too. We had to grow up fast and, at the same time, remain forever small as children. It wasn’t very clear. We are worthy of so much more than that and we realized this after no contact.
Obstacles Turn Into Opportunities
Thanks to my mom, I never felt like I could pursue my hopes and dreams. In her eyes, I was always a quitter. I had to live and make choices exactly as she did if I had any hope of being as successful as she was (just not too successful because she is mother superior, after all). I worked up to senior-level management in a corporate job for a major publisher. While I can’t deny the value that I did receive from that experience, I also wasted hours of my life doing work I just am not passionate about.
Adam could never venture too far away from home; otherwise, he would be labeled selfish and uncaring. If he made one wrong step, queue the avalanche of controlling behavior.
Without their physical presence after no contact, we’ve been able to take on so much more and pursue our desires without explaining ourselves or the constant criticism.
Conclusion
We acknowledge that going no contact may not be a universal solution, but we hope that by narrating our struggles and triumphs after no contact, others facing similar challenges can find insight, prioritize their well-being and seek the support they need. Let go of the guilt, focus on yourself, and pursue what makes you thrive. Life after cutting ties with toxic parents is a complex and evolving journey, but for us, it has been a path towards healing, self-discovery, and ultimately, a more fulfilling existence.
What was it Like for You After No Contact?
What are some lessons you’ve learned? Please drop us a comment below! If you need something light to focus on, check out our recipes!
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